Sadly, it is my civic duty to admit, at this time, that over the last two years, on many, many occasions, I have had inappropriate, intimate relations with Carly Fiorina. Also, even more sadly, with Meg Whitman too. Now you might be asking yourself at this point "mikey, what would constitute APPROPRIATE intimate relations with either Ms. Whitman or with Ms. Fiorina, but that just proves you're a hater and very likely a Looksist bigot.
The irony is I met Carly when I bid on a 'grab bag' of computer hardware and office supplies being auctioned on eBay. My bid of $4.70 won, and when I went to Palo Alto to pick up the goods, I found it was Carly who held the auction. The items in question were four good sized boxes containing laptops. staplers, paper clips, ball point pens and a couple thousand envelopes, all clearly labeled "Hewlett Packard". She offered me a vodka as she explained that she had come across the boxes in a dumpster and, well, one thing led to another. This afternoon of passion quickly developed into a sick, dysfunctional relationship where we would meet in a anonymous hotel room, drink the better part of a bottle of Vodka and we would play out the same scene. I was the "Board of Directors", and she was the "CEO". I would fire her in very harsh terms, and as a tactic to retain her position as CEO she would sleep with me. This apparently freed her to act the wanton slut, but I always felt dirty afterwards, and would have to take several showers.
A few months later I was contacted by eBay's private security firm. They said they were investigating auctions of stolen office products and suggested it might be best if I came down to the office and answered their questions. Completely intimidated and fearful, I acquiesced to their demands and drove immediately to the company headquarters in San Jose. I told them everything about the auction and it's aftermath, whereupon Ms. Whitman burst in and demanded the detectives leave the room. She took me to a sumptuous office where we smoked a bong. She wandered around the office, becoming increasingly upset, muttering "that plastic floozy, I'll show HER". Suddenly and without warning, she took off her dress, walked directly over to me and kissed me passionately. Well, I had no power to resist, and another dysfunctional intimate relationship was born.
Now you may think I have political motives for making these statements now, but the honest truth is that I just can't live with the lies and deception any more. I hope this announcement has no impact on the election outcome, and I hope you'll all just leave me alone. Much like Tony Hayward, I just want my life back...